Part 3 sex addicted mom pick’s up guys at bar for one night stand when she travels out of town

Hello everyone, please don’t forget to like and subscribe, please support the channel on Patreon for exclusive access to content before everyone else, the link to my Patreon is on the description below. Today we have Part 3 of a Cheaters and Simps story with some reader comments. without further ado, let’s get into it.

Also, I’m reading “Not Just Friends” and other books that orient around me and not my Wayward Wife. Another way of incorporating 180 into my thinking. But it feels like a massive ship to turn, to take all my love, all my beliefs about my life, and suddenly see something else. I have to take small bites.

I do appreciate everyone here SO MUCH. Even if it doesn’t seem like “I get it”, I hope everyone knows I’m reading, sometimes reading three or four times. And sometimes it takes days before I see the wisdom. I feel as if I’m attention seeking here, and maybe I am. That feels like a bad thing, like I’m doing something wrong. I have never sought attention for my problems.

Reader Comment: If you found out that she was cheating throughout the marriage would it make a difference to you?

Original Poster: Yes. An extremely bad night last night, but its lead me to a much better place – despite my sleepless night. I am still waiting on the new D-Day. I provided D-Day examples and all sorts of D-Day plans constructed by professionals, it was a lot of material. But last night I did provide a more streamlined list straight off internet as my 1st list was me in a completely “mental state” during acid drip revelations. Wayward Wife has had a “Its complicated and you asked too many questions.”. this has grown thin as I wait in agony each day. I’d deduced the burner phone was kept much longer and in-town vs just left at her consulting office out of town. This opened up all new worlds of hurt and confusion. New types of betrayal and exploitation of me. She says it was going to come out in new disclosure. Maybe. Her track record isn’t good.

I eventually flooded. She was not compassionate. After about a half hour of my relentless demands for honesty and inconsistencies in the last week, her answer was “it’ll come out in D-day. Again perhaps, regardless, my tough questioning of her had her throw up her hands and she began to pack and told me she understood this meant divorce. I went ape, broke a few picture frames against the wall. I broke things. I never approached threatening. I reclaimed my calm. Got the room put back together, got her bags packed again as she had them. During this she went to bed. I let her know it was all back together and she could leave as she intended if that was her choice – no more hysteria from me.

Sleepless night, but I realized (help from 180) that all I needed to do was tell her I would not initiate any more affair discussions. She could initiate when she was ready. An amazing calm has come over me. I’ve been working and doing enjoyable things for me. The peace is I get to JUST watch. It’s on her. She can choose to help me heal with compassion, save our marriage by good trustworthy behavior & transparency, lead us in recovery plan, overcome her shame, provide a 1st step full disclosure, etc. She will or she won’t. Then I know all I need to know. This is my 1st real bit of peace in three weeks. I carved out some sanity. This feels like a legit turning point for me. I need not convince her of anything now.

Reader Comment: I wish you peace and you to grow through this.

Original Poster: Thank you, so far, so good with how my new resolve and decisions have helped my peace of mind. And it’s not been a fake, peace of mind either, I get intrusive thoughts, she doesn’t keep her commitments, or treats me unkindly (or kindly), and I simply push out those feelings of hurt and anger with the simple thoughts, “It’s on her now. I’m here to watch and be the “model recovery husband” and see if indeed she responds with compassion and is both a partner that will help me heal and a partner, I’d choose for my life again.”

Reader Comment: My advice is to be direct and no theatrics. If you’re going to let her come clean and stay with her no matter what…not sure why the resistance? I am guessing the truth is massive cheating.

Original Poster: Already know its massive cheating. I have actually stopped being direct, I tried to tell her what I needed and what would help me. I explained when the way she was behaving now hurt me more. She blamed me for hounding her. So I’ve done all the explaining. I told her, when she was ready to speak or felt like helping me, then I was here and ready to talk. I’m observing and it feels good. I’m here to see if she does right by me. Yes, I love her, I know many in my shoes would not choose to go through the process for 3-6 months to make sure. For me, its a price I’ll pay to have no regrets. My Wayward Wife was loved by me unconditionally and I could have listed qualities and compatibilities a mile long. Real, imagined? That’s why I’m being patient. She will reveal her true self with my eyes open. And I will give her no reason or excuses. She may make up reasons and excuses, but that is information for me.

Reader Comment: What more do you need here?

Original Poster: I need time to keep putting myself back together. Get my emotions more and more in check so that I have better vision of the past, present, and future. I will know when enough is enough. Right now, I feel really good about her getting counseling and committing to the affair recovery EMS program. I believe I can forgive; I believe I can make an even better marriage. I do not know her capabilities or whether she can be a R partner. We’ll see and every day I have better vision, so I’m just giving myself the gift of patience. She may see it as a chance to rug sweep. Okay, I’m ready to witness that and see this new behavior that simply affirms the old behavior rather than showing getting past it.

Reader Comment: Why are you allowing yourself to be abused by her dictatorship of TT and new D days that she decides on…? She knows it hurts you and she makes it hurt more.

Original Poster: I’ll have no regrets. If people in the family are hurt, if I have to go through D, I’ll know it wasn’t for caving to anger or pain, that it was thoughtful and objective. That she had the chance to save it. Today was a mixed bag, she never came to ask how I was doing, and when out she’d agreed to let me know where she was and who she was with, plans changed and she was with family, but knowing my anxiety, pain, and her own promises she chose not to send a simple text or two. And I’m not in pain over this because my place is to let her do as she does. She’s informed, she has all the help in the world, and she’ll have an entire program with professionals and peer couples. It’s my opportunity to have no regrets and give myself time. Does it give her an opportunity as well? Sure, and that’s okay, I love her and I’m glad she’s getting the opportunity to save our marriage, understand her actions, and improve.

Appreciate everyone. I know I don’t seem to be taking advice, but I am on 180 and 180 got me here. All day it’s been about me. Tomorrow, it’ll be about me. The next day will be about me. I will not be centered on what she does and does not do. I’m watching, not centered.

Reader Comment: And how long do you intend to wait? Because based on what you just told this, she seems extremely unlikely to do this – not to mention it increasingly appears she has been acting promiscuously and adulterously throughout your ENTIRE marriage.

Original Poster: EMS is about 4 months. If I don’t know then, I’ll never know, so I’m committing to affair recovery for that long, which given the start date is 5 months away. By committing I mean not threatening divorce, not badgering her, not even looking to her to help – she can volunteer, but I don’t ask. This means even if she is showing she cannot or will not do the work, I will do the work. I believe she’ll show up, but will she do the work on herself and to save our marriage? What I like about EMS is it requires both parties to meet certain objectives, it doesn’t force the betrayed spouse to just sacrifice to save the marriage. So the program will ask for what I want, so I’ll know she had the opportunity. So I’m off the hook trying to convince her of anything. I will not talk her into staying in the marriage. I will do everything to let her know I’ll be respectful if she does want D so that I’ll know she did so without any pressure.

Reader Comment: I don’t understand what this means. She won’t even tell you the truth. She won’t tell you where she’s going. She’s not committing to anything but herself.

Original Poster: Wayward Wife committed to EMS. She has made other commitments and failed to keep them during this last month – and of course prior in the marriage. Her track record is poor, this is not a horse you’d bet on at the track. I am betting, I’m putting up with a lot of pain, and I’m spending my valuable time. But I would honestly not recommend anyone else do the same in my shoes – so I take all advice as very reasonable that enough is already known.

Reader Comment: Your D-day was mid-September 2020, and you have decided to take another 3-6 months to figure out your best option.

Original Poster: Actually, there was significant understanding by me in Sept that she had cheated in August, but no admission by her. What I got was look me in the eye lies in Sept and most of Oct. But Sep and Oct we had some family tragedies which forced me to be a good person and set my needs aside for family. Significant disclosure around the day of my 1st post and acid drip since then with periodic inconstancies through Friday. However, she disclosed AM when I didn’t know, but did have evidence of hotel activity, so some sort of explanation was almost forced. But her disclosures so far are still a positive, she could have clammed up completely and there would be no reason to bet on her. The new D-Day is to get an actual chronological full disclosure as recommended by almost every legit affair recovery specialist.

Reader Comment: This isn’t a mixed bag. It’s a remorseless Proverbs 30:20 woman with a heart of stone.

Original Poster: Yes. As of yesterday, she still said mean things. She is not the paragon of remorseful. But she is being given all the opportunity anyone in her shoes could ever ask. I don’t owe her; I owe me this. It may be difficult to understand, but I have an image of her. If given the opportunity, will she show herself to be a person I want to be with is the question I’m exploring for the next 4-5 months. And I’m being very honest in journaling her statements and actions. They do reveal some positives, but never a day without negatives.

Reader Comment: My opinion: The quoted bit above is a huge danger flag for you. You said you aren’t a yelling breaking things kind of guy, yet…

Original Poster: Yep, 50 years old and this was 100% out of character for me. This told me just how bad the stress was and that I had to find something new. As it turned out “new” was re-reading and adopting more of the 180. It won’t happen again, I haven’t even gotten angry, and I only feel the barest twinges of anger that I have a whole bunch of new tools and methods to work through. She surprised me, but I won’t be surprised again, even if she packs, threatens to divorce, insults me, hurts me, hits me, is mean to me, or I walk in to find her with another man. I am now mentally prepared for anything. Too much trust in myself? No, I’ve overcome and built a lot in life, I’ve faced personal demons, and evil people. And I know when to trust myself. I understand your words of caution and take them seriously. I’m doing the work, I’m being cautious, and I know when to extract myself – which is very early in anything that looks like I am caring too much about her or feeling too intensely.

Reader Comment: “180 – means you do not open yourself up to her for any more hurts. It is to help you find your legs and balance again, not to make her wake up, because brother that isn’t going to happen. She is Not remorseful, she is going to white knuckle it for a few weeks until things get comfortable again, and then she will go right back to it. She is as predictable as the cold in January.”

Original Poster: This may come as a surprise, but I certainly believe more than not that you have the correct bet. Her mask slips occasionally, “I wanted to be single”. And of course, her actions speak louder than any words. Or denial that a clear-cut lie is even a lie, she uses euphemisms for the word lie, or says my behavior is why she “had to lie”, or one of my favorites now “I was confused, it wasn’t a lie”. I am doing more of 180 than I’ve shared. I am not open for more hurt, I am watching, listening, and gathering information. I’ve slept full nights since my decision to focus on me, I’m working almost at full capacity, I’m doing my activities. And when she speaks my emotions are very low level, it’s like I’m a court reporter taking notes. I go back and ledger everything so I can compare to previous statements and my statements which she can either get completely wrong or mischaracterizes. I talk about Wayward Wife on her, but the amount of focus I have on me in daily life is the preponderance of my day.

I do want to see what R process yields, but I’m doing so with a very little optimism that she has what it takes to change. She says she accepts responsibility for the affairs, but never for the lies, betrayal, and the “acceptance” is always qualified by reasons (like the caregiving). Now, I think the reasons are real motivators and people can become weaker willed. But there are the outside motivations and then her own choices where she did all the activity to set up and actively engage in a double life of adulatory. She never speaks to her own bad choices and seems to want to avoid figuring out what character flaws, emotional flaws, and thinking flaws led to those choices. If one won’t examine the internal causes for their own selfishness, then they are dangerous. I know this, I know the danger of being with her, and I accept that for the small chance that I may enjoy a better M or that I get some peace that I did all I could before making a new life for myself. No regrets is a priority for me in a way it may not be for others.

Reader Comment: I think you’ll look back on this moment one day and think, “Damn, I would’ve been so much better off if she had just left.”

Original Poster: You may be right, I actually laughed at your comment, thank you for a well needed chuckle! I do want to be calm and rational when either of us decide to leave. If she chooses to leave again, I’m ready to let her go. Really and truly ready to make no pursuit and see it as my decision – not hers. If I choose to go, I have a plan on how I’ll do so. This means a lot to me that either way, I’m deciding. I know her leaving again sounds no different than the 1st time, but I was unprepared and had not truly began focusing on myself. Now, I see how I’m in control of me, not her.

Reader Comment: With the two quotes above, it looks like you are still gunning for R, and waiting for HER to make a decision on where your M goes

Original Poster: Not exactly. I’m gunning to see what she does during R (not what she says, but her actions). I’m focused on me and gathering information for me. I know many think her affair activity and actions so far are enough, and it could be that it should be enough. But I’ve decided I want to see her actions in R and after some counseling of her own. This is the last bit of my figuring out who I thought she was and who she is. It could be many here see her for who she is, I don’t discount those opinions. I think the most important thing is how at peace I am. I’m not rug sweeping, I’m actually observing with eyes wide open. I’m at peace that I an take as long as I want or decide tomorrow. This is a powerful realization, so powerful that it’s changed my entire outlook. I see how my own ability to choose is mine and not based on what she wants. I have my ability to choose centered on me and what will benefit me. It’s entirely possible she becomes the perfect R partner and I still decide what’s best for me is D. What is best for me is the priority, and best for me right now is observing her and keeping a careful journal so I can check any feelings against reality.

Reader Comment: Very high-risk in my opinion

Original Poster: In some ways yes. I’m clear eyed about the risks and I re-evaluate them every day. Not risks to R, or risks to M, but personal risks to me.

Reader Comment: I don’t think you can do a 180 AND try to reconcile. The two things are mutually exclusive in a way. Maybe I’m wrong, but the 180 is about you fortifying yourself emotionally and detaching from her. That is not conducive to R. But, whatever.

Original Poster: Agree, I’m not doing a pure 180, I just took some of what was helpful now. But there may very well be a point I go a pure 180. I do believe I’m getting less out of 180 for watering it down and deluding it’s goal, but that’s okay, everything I do now is slow and in steps. No rushing myself anymore. I like being in observer mode right now. I know its a temporary place and difficult decisions await me, but each day I am more back together. Eventually a more whole me can face those next decisions and I’ll be better informed when I do. You’re not wrong, you are right, but even the limited 180 has been core to my personal recovery. Knowing it is there to go fully into is another important aspect of my peace of mind.

So, I discover that she kept her burner phone longer than disclosed, she’d fabricated a story about the battery failing, driving to a gas station while out of town, disposing of it on a very specific day. Lots of little details to sell it. So, I say to her, “You fabricated the story about the destruction of the burner phone and that makes it harder to build trust on something you knew was an important detail to me”

She says, “I didn’t fabricate the story, I just wasn’t accurate.”

You see, her aim was off, she just missed the target, it’s not untruthful. Damn target just wouldn’t hold still for her.

Surely this belongs on some sort of list somewhere. Anyone else have any “greatest hits”?

Reader Comment: As time goes by, I predict your patience for living without progressing will wane. And you are going to have to make good on threats to find your happiness again, on your own, by detaching and eventually moving on.

Original Poster: This is the direction it’s going. While she is slowly working on a full disclosure, it’s painfully slow and not a priority. I haven’t asked what’s taking her so long, as I don’t look to her for answers right now. She has come to me a few times willing to talk around the edges and that’s fine, I’ll work within her parameters right now.

But what makes me think your statement is likely, is last night I put together another inconsistency. She has told some truth that I did not discover. Truth has been mixed with lies and minimizations. She will say every day, “You know what’s important.” I will say, “You are deciding for me what’s important and is that how this should work?”

So, I put together another important inconsistency. By important, it changes the time frame for certain activities and even where certain activities occurred, and how close they were to our married life. Not a detail that is just more of the same story, this hotel vs that hotel. Each time I put together something that she failed to share; I get a little clearer as to how she feels about me. She knows that pieces keep falling in place for me without her help. She knows this reduces our chance at R. Conclusion, she is ambivalent about R, her feelings for me are not what she professes, she is still selfish and not even seeing me blow apart is enough for her to prioritize me. So even my feeling bad about putting more of the puzzle together by myself is valuable information for me. Some say I have enough information. Perhaps, but I like this watchful place better than where I was and the next place, I choose to go will be even better than this place.

Thank you all again for letting me vent and giving me feedback.

Reader Comment: what I’d ask is what is your goal for this stage? You are unlikely to get to a place where you can say “ok I have 100%” of the truth, even if your Wayward Wife says you have it, you are unlikely to believe her.

Original Poster: My goal is to enjoy the peace of mind that I’ve found for a bit. It’s like flying in the eye of a storm, I know it won’t last, but its giving me well deserved rest and each day I get stronger. I am also watching, my goal for watching is to build a new opinion of my wife based on how she is behaving now when I’m in need and based on what she’s done. I’m not discounting our past, but I like getting information that isn’t connected to my idealized vision of my wife.

Reader Comment: Why is this fine? Why are you willing to work within her parameters? That isn’t getting clear of infidelity, it’s remaining mired in it. That isn’t the 180 either. It’s rug sweeping.

Original Poster: It’s not fine in that it’s acceptable behavior, it’s fine in that it gives me more information of her priorities and what kind of spouse I can expect. Bad information is still quality information. Yes, I’m not committed fully to 180, by having one foot in R, it negates some of the best potential benefits for doing 180. However, I am still getting a lot of benefit out of spending the majority of my mental and physical energies on myself. I come here to vent, but 80% of my day is about me, not her, not Reconcile.

Reader Comment: They decide really to sudden-like when the boat starts pulling away. Sending strength!

Original Poster: Received and thanks! I won’t be threatening Divorce. If I decide R is not what I want, then I will go let her know about D. Right now, R is what I want, but I’m pessimistic given what I’ve shared with everyone. She has all the information she needs to do her work and work on R in a productive way.

Reader Comment: Most of the ripping you are getting from the other posters, I truly believe, comes from their concern for your health and sanity.

Original Poster: Concern for me is apparent and appreciated, I’ve never taken the advice and insight as anyone coming at me, but more like people reaching out of a boat to grab a drowning man who just won’t take their hand. I hope it’s also apparent that the support I’ve gotten has helped me immensely. I’m stronger for reading the advice and insights that have been offered to me.

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